Everyone is allowed to have one or two petty pet hates. Trivial things, unnoticed to all but you. Things that rile you so much that they turn you to Pub Bore, re-telling your rants to disinterested friends and colleagues in futile attempts to vent your spleen.
Well, here is one of mine…
But first, a little background for those who do not live in London. An un-breachable piece of London etiquette dictates that, when entering or leaving Underground stations, you must stand on the right hand side of the escalators in order to allow those who wish to walk up/down the escalator to move by swiftly.
Here then is my gripe:
People who stand on the right of the escalator are losers.
I have tried to get over my feelings. But I feel this quite viscerally every time I run past the line of motionless people happy to be slowly borne, by no effort of their own, up or down the escalator on the right hand side.
I never, ever stand on the right hand side of the escalator. Even when I was so pathetically stiff from the Ballbuster race that I snapped the arm off my office chair lowering myself down into it.
Usually I sprint up the escalator as fast as I can. I do this even when I am not in a hurry. Why?
- it’s good exercise.
- trying to catch the person ahead of me is a good, if juvenile, challenge.
- trying to sprint the whole way is sometimes really hard (particularly at Angel station, which boasts the Tube’s longest escalator).
- running is more fun than standing still.
So even when I am in no rush at all I still run up the escalators. Sometimes I run up them and then deliberately saunter very slowly and casually along at the top. I do this to “make a point” to those loitering on the right hand side. Not surprisingly nobody has ever appeared to notice that this is what I am doing!
So, why do I despise those people standing on the right so much?
- It smacks of laziness. Especially when people QUEUE to get onto the right hand side of the escalator rather than walk up the left hand side.
- People whinge so much about not having enough time to exercise, about how fat their arses are, about how lethargic they feel. And yet here is the perfect chance to burn some calories, suck some oxygen into your lungs and snap out of your self-induced life-coma.
- Standing on the right is a metaphor for complacency*, for settling for mediocrity in life. Is that REALLY the best use of 20 extra seconds of your life?
I think that, like El Che or Bolivar or Madiba or Mahatma or Simon Mann I have found my calling to revolution. Hasta la victoria, siempre! Here’s my bugle call, here’s my rallying cry:
“Stop standing like a passive sheep on the right hand side of the escalator. Dash madly up the left, set the heart rating, feel the burn in your quads, buy yourself 20 extra seconds of life.
Catch me if you can!”
And here’s another Tube Challenge. In the stations that have lifts not escalators look out for the warning signs saying “Stairway. Do not take this staircase except in an emergency. 300 steps blah blah…”
Every day is a fricking emergency! Sprint up those steps as though your life depended on it. Race the lift, dash up the spiral staircase, pretend you are raiding a castle, try to count quickly to 300 as you sprint. Hasta la victoria!
—
*I am well aware that seeing everything as a metaphor for life (cold showers, 100 press ups etc.) is a potentially very annoying personality irritating trait, and one that sets me down the path of never, ever being able to chill out or relax).
Much cooler than running:
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13 Comments
Yes, yes, yes.
I absolutely agree. I never understood this either when I lived in London. The escalators are so bloody slow, it’d drive me nuts if I ever got stuck behind a tourist standing on the left.
Haha, this is great! Very funny with these types of entries, especially the honesty. I also totally agree with what you are writing.
And the biggest rule of all is – NEVER STOP RUNNING! You cannot be seen to be tiring as you go up the stairs or escalators.
Cycle lanes in Oxford are a perfect chase game too.
Alastair Alastair! Where is the slow down and enjoy life. I despise people that are in such a rush to go on the left and run up those escalators. I prefer taking it easy, laid back. Maybe its my Greek background who knows?
This is not just a London rule. This is a “rule” in the States, too. You do that because some people really are in a hurry, hate just standing still or want the exercise.
If you’re just too tired or want the extra time to think or what have you, stand to the right, it’s only polite. See a little rhyme to help everyone remember!
I expect it’s one of those universal rules.
ha ha reading that made me laugh – I feel the same way but never thought there were others out there just like me…
and btw – running to catch the person in front not juvanile – hilarious.
Here’s another idea. Go there to the escalator, stand on the right, wait a bit the stairs to take you up – and then turn your face down the escalator. Look down – what a picture! Some of people rushing, some reading, other talking. Dozens of people so close in one place, each different.
I used to rush, climb, be impatient. Now I’m addicted to stand on the right, looking down. Equally interesting.
Cheers!
I absolutely agree! I can’t stand just idling behind someone else who is standing there on the escalator. You have to stare at their butt the whole time as you slowly go up. It sucks! I almost ALWAYS take the stairs and get to the top so much faster than everyone else on the escalator. It’s fun to see their faces when I fly past them on foot. I can’t stand going that slow… or simply following the masses and doing what everyone else is doing. Great post Al!
I agree – people are lazy by choice, although they don’t often know it. It’s so easy to switch into autopilot too, especially on the dreary daily Tube commute (for those who do it that is). We need more reminders to snap out of it! And go for it! On the flipside, there are plenty of good reasons why people take the escalators, (baggage, heels, all sorts) and lumping everyone into the category of “loser” is not fair play. One of *my* pet hates is people who feel their way is better, and lambast those who don’t follow. Personally, Alastair, I agree with your way, but not everybody is the same. Would prefer more encouragement, less derogating. x
“Travellators” at airports are also fun. Power walking to overtake the motionless wheely suitcases!
wow, you sound like a boring arsehole of the highest calibre. it’s a real tragedy that no-one ever notices your revolutionary displays of deliberate sauntering at the top of escalators. an even bigger tragedy is that you haven’t managed to take away the very clear point that the fact that nobody notices you demonstrates (it’s that nobody gives a fuck, in case you’re still not getting it).
And count those steps on the way up – how many can you do before you run out of escalator at the top??? The faster you go, the closer it gets. Challenge : can you break 50 steps going up the escalator from the Piccadilly Line at Kings X in the rush hour????
Abso-bloody-lutely!
I consider it part of my daily excercise to maintain my climbing speed, even when reaching the top of the second escalator at London Bridge in the morning commute, and my thighs are effectively still in bed. Bring it!
And @Jim, perhaps no one else notices (but since you are obviously the omniscient being that none of the rest of us can but dream of aspiring to, we’ll assume you’re right and they don’t) but is it so wrong for people to take pleasure in little acts of randomness to break up otherwise routine days, whether or not they’re noticed?
Besides the post’s clearly a little tongue in cheek. Sense of humour deficit?
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